I want to share with you a little about what I feel, hear, see and think as a pastor. Indeed pastoring is the hardest and the most draining and one of the most fulfilling things that I do in life. The reason that I don’t say the most fulfilling is because I believe that the most fulfilling thing in my life is time spent with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and pouring love and life into my family. But then after those things the next most amazing thing in my life is being a pastor. Having the privilege of sharing with others the mysteries of God’s gospel and grace and inviting them to receive all that He has for them is one of the most profound and beautiful things in life.
However on the flip side, pastoring is draining, tiring, never-ending, difficult and impossible. The job is never done, there are always expectations that cannot be met, there are multiple voices (the world, the congregation, the Enemy and even my own conscience) shouting at me that I am not doing enough and doing it right and as a result people are suffering.
When I wake up in the morning most mornings I try to simply lay there in bed and think about my Lord. I try to listen to His voice, consider the Scriptures He has recently been speaking to/showing me. With time I have been able to block out the rush of thoughts concerning what I “have to” do during the course of the day. Then I get up and take a shower and spend time thinking about the Lord and all of His promises. I try to take some time to ask the Lord to show me His way and to guide my steps during the day. After this I go check on the kids and head towards the kitchen to get breakfast. Somewhere between the shower and the kitchen I begin to see the clutter in our house and begin to think about the overall clutter in our lives. At this point, unless the Lord stays my mind, I quickly begin analyzing what I could/should be doing and how I am probably letting my family down by not taking the time necessary to de-clutter our lives.
Over breakfast I sometimes am able to read a few Scriptures but often spend the time keeping the kids on task and conversing with them (if I am awake and alert enough to be coherent) and then of course we all pile into the car and head to school. On the way we usually laugh and sing along with funny songs on Pandora radio and occasionally play other “I Spy” type games. My wife has started reading a devotional to the kids on the drive and then we drop off the kids and head to our 1 hour physical fitness activity of the morning. If I have had a restless night or a particularly full or draining day the day before (or even perhaps a full day yet to come) my wife and I will sometimes go on a breakfast “date” instead of or in addition to our workout.
The burden that I feel for my people is not so heavy as it once was. I used to try and own their choices and their consequences but instead now I simply try to carry their need to the Lord and leave it there. I many times second guess myself, and wonder whether I am doing what is most helpful or even necessary. Sometimes I feel this is of God to prayerfully discern and consider all things but at other times I feel it originates in my own propensity to OCD and perfectionism or even from the Accuser trying to undermine the Word of God and cause me to doubt or fear.
During the days I think about the recent and upcoming worship and prayer gatherings and whether we sensed/felt/saw the Spirit of God moving on His people there. I think about whether or not any lives were visibly changed, or whether anyone gave public testimony of the Word/move of God in their lives. I think about whether there has been or is a gradual moving of the spiritual climate of the overall group from apathy/lethargy/idolatry to absolute/sold out faith in and dependence upon the Lord. I pray and think about what persons are facing what struggles and what it will take for them to finally let God fill and use them as He desires which ultimately will be the best thing possible for them.
Also during the days I think about where people are/might be at currently. Are they at work, home, play, trip, etc? Are they sick, contented, overcoming, struggling, lonely, etc? And as such what do they need in order to be free, whole, complete, at peace and rest, full of joy and overcoming? What role can I/should I play in helping them get breakthrough?
During the days I wonder what word God is currently speaking to me and to His church. I pray about what I am to study and preach, who I am to visit, what I am to say, how I can best help the kingdom to advance in the church, her families/individuals, the community, the city and the state; I think about what it will take to help others move towards revival and total dependence upon God. I also spend too much time pushing back against the enemy because I had to some extent entertained his words of doubt and fear instead of heeding God’s Word of promise and victory.
I also spend too much time wondering about why so and so is mad or disappointed or frustrated with me and or the church/ministry and how that can be changed. I worry at times (a lot?) that my next step will be the one that breaks through the ice and spells disaster for the church or for my family/ministry. I worry about which word will finally push people over the edge and they will be done with me and wash their hands of me. As a result I also dream of having a job/life that is not done/lived out in front of people free from so many of the judgments by others and demands from others: a travelling evangelist, a hermit, a beach bum, a world traveler all top the list of things I think about.
And yet, I have seen and continue to see the hand of God at work in our midst and what I believe to be the Voice of God speaking to me. I want to see new salvations all the time, I want to see our classes and prayer/worship gatherings filled to capacity and new ones being birthed. Many times I want this just because I know that in the Presence of the Lord there is freedom and paradise and I want this for all whom I meet. At other times I want this because I feel I have this call on my life to greatness and right now my life/ministry “accomplishments” are less than great and therefore I should be running after something more/different. I fear that my philosophy often butts heads with my theology. I believe things ought to come to those who work hard and are creative and willing to take risks (philosophy) but I also believe that only the eternal things matter, and God works the eternal things when and where and how He chooses (theology) and as such I don’t know when they agree, when they disagree and when I am listening to the voice of a philosophy or even theology instead of the Voice of God.
I feel that God has called me to missions and to reaching people with the gospel that the world and the church have forgotten or neglected. I also feel that God has told me to call people to prayer and seeking the face of the Lord. I feel a call to start new churches and to travel and encourage pastors and ministers of the gospel. I feel the need to equip and encourage people to be all that God has created and is calling them to be. I feel the desire (need?) to reach brand new people in brand new ways, but also to anchor them in the God-given gifts of worship, prayer, teaching etc.
At times I feel like pastoring a traditional church stifles my above listed “callings” but at other times it seems like the perfect place for God to work a miraculous turn-around. At times I feel like I would do better all on my own, but then I wonder if in many ways I am already on my own. Are we really a “body”? Are we really of “one heart and one mind”? Are we really headed in the same direction? Are the people of this church really going anywhere or are they simply watching to see what is going on around them? I wonder if I would do better to strike out with no title, no formal means of income and no ‘permanent’ place for living and ministry, but at other times it seems like God has given us all the “things” that we have for such a time as this and so we therefore ought to use them for His glory and the advancement of His kingdom. At times when I see the body unite in prayer, worship, service, fellowship and/or caring, it is then that I get a glimpse of all of God’s promises coming to fruition. In these moments I find hope.
Not a week/day? goes by that I don’t think about/pray about what are the significant things I ought to be doing in order to bring revival and change. And not week goes by that I don’t struggle with whether I am doing anything right and whether time will show that I have succeeded or failed in what I set out to do. So then, what have I set out to do? Build a church? Build a successful ministry? Follow the voice of God? Heal the sick, raise the dead, cast out demons? Bring revival?
And if I have set out to the latter rather than the former, how, when, where and what are the fruits that this is actually coming to pass? This is what I might think about, feel, pray about in one morning of ministry. But then comes the afternoon, the meetings, the phone calls, the interruptions, the crises, the complaints the trials and I wonder if I will make it at all and what in the world I am doing and what God is up to! And so I come to a place of saying, nothing else will work, nothing else makes sense, nothing else matters: “Lord Jesus come! Your Presence is heaven to me. You set all things right, so come and do Your thing in Your way in Your timing, just come!!” Maybe tomorrow I’ll become a hermit. No, instead I choose to listen to Voice of God and dwell in His Presence, that is all I can do!
Pastor Michael Johnson 